Reading time: 5.43

1,360 words

Hey Reader,

I’ve had a couple of weeks off social media and lordy LORD has it felt good.

For one thing, I feel more like a proper writer again… which is weird considering I’ve done very little actual writing, other than idly planning out a MicroBook called A Short History of Googly Eyes.

Whenever I’m on LinkedIn or wherever, something always pops up to make me feel like shite. Like I’m not doing it properly. Like who the FCK am I to be writing words and putting them into sentences and then sharing them like anyone could possibly care? Like I’m not a real writer.

What a load of tosh.

First of all: what the hell is a “real writer” other than someone who writes stuff? (Okay there’s a little more to it than that, but let’s keep it super simple for now.)

Second of all: if I’m comparing myself to everyone else out there and wondering why I don’t sound like them of course I’m going to fall short. Because I sound like me. That’s not to say everything I write is amazing; most of it isn’t. But that’s not the point. The point is doing it.

Third of all: one thing I have been doing is playing with my notebook and creating my zine, all of which happens offline away from the clusterfuck of boring garbage that is LinkedIn and other social media.

Let me tell you something about notebooks that might just change your life.

They can help you feel like a “real writer” and I want you to embrace this.

Here are some reasons why:

• Pretty much every famous writer you could think of kept or keeps a notebook. Francis Bacon, Octavia E Butler, Mark Twain, Maya Angelou, Virginia Woolf… So that’s credibility by association for a start. Thinking on paper translates later to writing that book.
• It’s a GREAT solution for information overload, which I find gets in the way of me feeling like a real writer. Even before the internet, people were overwhelmed with info; Virginia Woolf said she read so many books she had to use a notebook to remember them all. Same, Virginia, same. And now we have an entire internet full of nonsense too. Jeepers.
• I’m sick of screens. Even though I’m writing this on a screen. Notebooks are real and they make me feel like an old-timey writer. I doodle a lot too.
• They’re a useful antidote to AI. They’re handwritten, so they engage the brain differently. It’s about the process not the outcome: we’re not obssessed with “perfection” because we’re creating and scribbling and messing around with ideas. Notebooks are very personal, very filled with your personality, unlike AI and most of the slop we’re seeing on the internet right now.

My heartfelt plea to you today is simply this: procure yourself a notebook. Doesn’t have to be fancy (although it can be). Scuff it up immediately so it doesn’t become a weird sacred kink you can’t use. Then get on with it.

Three things you can do to get started:

1. Copy down a quote you like. Maybe this one, by me: “Your ego is a shitty writer. So poke it in the eye and deliberately aim to write something crap. Ta da! You’ve started!”
2. Doodle a little picture of something near you, or maybe an artist’s impression of the inside of your brain. Don’t be scared. It doesn’t have to be good, it just has to exist.
3. Note down three interesting things you’ve seen, heard, or learned in the last couple of days. What thoughts follow from them?

There.

You are now a real writer.

I know I sound flippant, but I’m deadly serious.

Start a notebook, take it seriously, and be very unserious inside it. Little by little, you’ll start to inhabit the persona of someone who writes every day. Someone who has ideas and uses them.

Cool, eh?

And now for something completely different! Here’s what I’ve gathered for your Friday Goodie Bag…

Alexandre Dumas was the original fck-boy

I knew Dumas was an interesting man — the grandson of an enslaved woman and a French naval officer — who wrote The Three Musketeers among many other works. But I had no idea just how interesting he was, and what an absolute fck-boy he was. By all accounts, he basically shagged his way around Europe leaving illegitimate children in his wake and had a whale of a time. Fully recommend this episode of You’re Dead to Me, which tells his story.

Woowoo’s bumhole products

What do most “intimate care” products sound like? I’ll tell you: deeply uncomfortable and the brand equivalent of stuffing a tampon up your sleeve so nobody notices because how embarrassing right? Not Woowoo. They have a product called “Bum Babe Bundle” which makes you feel “as smooth as a dolphin’s nose” whereas Veet says “say goodbye to unwanted hair with our easy-to-use delipatory cream” YAWN. Woowoo doesn’t deal in “my body is gross” just in “oooooo smooth as a dolphin’s nose”. I’m here for it. I MEAN FOR GODS SAKE THE TAG LINE FOR THEIR LIGHTENING CREAM IS “CHANGE YOUR RING TONE” I’M DEAD. Check ‘em out.

The Red Barrows

You’ve heard of the Red Arrows, yes? Crack team of aerobatic lunatics who fly red planes in circles and loops? Well, that’s all fine, but have you seen the Red Barrows? They are a cracker team of stunt wheelbarrow drivers who perform stunning feats of synchronisation and balletic barrow-based choreography comparable to any reasonably competent synchronised swimming team. Thanks to Sally for introducing me to these barrow pilots. Watch them here.

This old-timey paper and box company

Honestly I might bankrupt myself shopping here because I am an absolute sucker for beautiful stationery and paper-based goodies. A postcard for Cambridge Imprint fell out of my latest edition of Slightly Foxed magazine and I was intrigued. A quick persual of their website later and I’m in love. They make patterened paper, stationery, and homeware, including lovely boxes that I’m trying very hard not to buy because they are NOT cheap. They also have “how to” videos showing us how to make gift bags and origami shapes. Love it.

This preacher who put the devil in a headlock

Ever heard of Aimee Semple McPherson? I hadn’t either. She was a preacher and faith healer in the early 1900s and she is NOT what you’d expect. I assumed she’d be like all the horrible megachurch scammers that America seems to grow like fungus, but she wasn’t. She got fabulously wealthy and used her wealth to do good in her communities, unlike today’s megachurches.

Anyway, that’s not what I wanted to tell you. Part of the reason she was so successful was her absolute GENIUS when it came to marketing herself. Her sermons were wild, including setting up a fake boxing ring so she could literally beat up the devil. I’d go to church for those shenanigans, and I’m an atheist. There’s a good (and funny) podcast telling part of her epic story right here but I fully recommend you go on a deep dive about Aimee Semple McPherson because she was absolutely fascinating.

What I’m reading

I’ve just started An African History of Africa by Zeinab Badawi and I’m already fascinated. Badawi takes us from the earliest hominins (because we’re ALL from Africa originally) right through to the beginnings of colonialism — and ALL from an African perspective. Which is brilliant because every single history of Africa I’ve read up until now has been from a colonial, Western, biased, and often flat-out BS propaganda perspective.

What I’m writing

A new bit for the comedy set I’m doing tonight at the Piston Distillery in Worcester. Wish me luck! It contains corpses and googly eyes.

Word of the week

ultracrepidarian, noun.

One who consistently offers opinions and advice on subjects way beyond their understanding.

Examples: Robert F Kennedy Junior, most of Trump’s cabinet, Trump, and at least 80% of LinkedIn.

Quote of the week

TTFN,

Vicky 🫡

p.s. Know someone who might enjoy this email? Please forward it to them and get them to sign up here.